When I was in my early twenties, I used to think that it was such a compliment whenever someone called me exotic. I honestly didn’t care much for the word itself, it was more about what I thought it meant and how it made me feel. I also didn’t know entirely what other people meant when they called me exotic. In my head, it was better than being called an outcast. When I was desired for being Asian, I thought that somehow it meant that I was accepted.
For some context, throughout my early teen years, I always felt like a misfit in my school. Your adolescent years are the times where you’re supposed to experience love for the first time, go to parties with your friends, sneak out of the house, drink lambrini, be a part of a clique etc. Although I got to experience some of that, I still never felt like I truly fitted in… mainly because of the way that I looked. I was always overlooked (romantically) in school because my peers didn’t find asians attractive. Certain snide remarks and indirect bullying didn’t help either. Nothing was ever said to my face, but comments would be made indirectly (from my peers) about other ethnicities and their appearances. I could list them out, but it seems my amygdala has locked these memories away for good.
It was after this time that I almost instantly started to deny my heritage. Then, I only started to accept my heritage in my early twenties, when I was desired for being an Asian woman. And I used that desire to my advantage. I felt like I had gained some power over myself.
Finally, I’m the one that’s being desired for once. Finally, I hold the power. Finally, I like being me. I desperately craved that validation of being wanted. The validation I got, when someone desired me or thought of me as exotic. I thought this was acceptable. Why wouldn’t it be? I spent the entirety of my school life being rejected because I had almond shaped eyes, a slightly yellow complexion & because I didn’t look… white. Now that people are actually starting to notice me because I’m exotic. That’s good. Right?
No.
Back to basics.
What does exotic really mean? According to a website online, it means:
“Belonging to another country” (etymoline.com 2020)
It originally comes from the Greek word exotikos. The word literally means “foreign” or “from the outside”. I’m not mad because it means I’m foreign because technically… I am. I’m mad because by calling me exotic (in the context of my looks), someone is literally calling me “other”. Would you call someone with blonde hair and blue eyes exotic? Do my exotic looks have to be the most defining part about me?
The word exotic literally has a history of reminding people from ethnic minority groups that they are… “other”. It has a dark history attached to it.
I spent the vast majority of my twenties on dating apps. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Happn, Badoo… seriously, you name it. I've had countless men call me exotic on each of these apps. II now cringe at the utterance of being described as that very word. I feel like the type of men that call women exotic, are only attracted to exotic Asian women (in this instance), to satisfy their fetishes. Am I to be blamed for making this assumption? To be frankly honest, whenever someone called me that, I would almost feel ashamed. I would feel uncomfortable.
And whilst I appreciate there is nothing wrong with appreciating someone's unique looks or their personality; using age old language to express such feelings should no longer be acceptable.
This wasn’t meant to turn into a semi-aggressive short essay on how I don’t like men who call me exotic. But I’m not complaining that it’s turned into that. I’m not here to rally up women and light torches together. I’m just part of the many women who have been through something like this, who are also fucking fed up of it. It doesn’t mean that I’m starting a movement. But don’t you think calling out micoraggressions and re-educating certain individuals is as good as starting a movement?
At least we’ve learned one thing here. Next time someone calls you exotic, you can simply respond by saying: fuck right off.
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