Many of you (from my IG) used to know me as "The London Lawyer" or "The London Paralegal". I proudly carried these names on my Instagram for a quite a while. But then came a time when I realised that, a career in law was no longer what I wanted to pursue. *Gasp* I know right?
What happens then? I knew I was fucked. For many immigrant children (not all, but for most), we only know ONE important equation in life:
respectable job + arranged marriage > your own happiness
"Oh, you don't want to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer? Good luck struggling for the rest of your life." Said by every aunty ever.
Today, I want to share with you all a real story of how I completely lost myself, the ridiculous pressure I felt to bring glory to the family name, the self blame I went through for the last 2 years and the confusion I gained during the (supposedly) "most enjoyable" time of my life. Not only that, but why I feel like it's important that we start creating our own lives, away from all of the bullshit pressure we constantly face.
But first, let's start from the beginning...
I was 22, living in central London & finally in law school. I decided that after my BA in English, I wanted to convert into law (in the U.K. you can do a conversion course into law, which is like 3 years of an LLB in 1 excelerated year. I stupidly decided to do the Master's degree version of that conversion course). I had just finished one of the best summers ever (I'd travelled to Nepal with my parents) and I was on a high from finishing my Bachelor's degree. My parents would proudly tell all of our extended family & family friends that I was finally starting my journey of becoming a lawyer! What could go wrong?
I moved into a cool little flat in Central London (I shared a flat with an international student, who was lovely). But I quickly came to realise that trying to make friends in a post-grad law degree (in my uni) was not it. It's okay, I'll hardly be on campus anyways. I met some nice people in class, but to be honest, everything felt extremely forced. It felt hostile and competitive. There were some students who looked down on others. Which Universities people attended (for their bachelor's degree) was a hot topic during class. I only liked ONE professor out of many that we had. The campus was a tall, dark, dingy ass building (in central London). I didn't want to spend any more time there then I already had to. I get it, it's a private university, where people literally only come to study, get their degree and bounce. How my Mom thinks the University experience should be.
It took time for me to get used to the campus feel and my classmates as well. Early on, my teachers were very happy with my progress. One even telling me that I'd make a great lawyer in a law firm some day. This made me happy. That was all I ever wanted to hear... so I thought. Some days in law school were great, the work was hard, but manageable. It genuinely taught me how to be strict/ organised with my work; something that was previously difficult for me to master. It was only mid way during the second term, that I started to feel like I had less energy. Some mornings, it was extremely hard for me to get out of bed. I suddenly felt sad... all the time. Oh no, I know this feeling, enter depression. Hiding it from the new friends I'd made and my classmates was no issue. Sometimes, it felt like I was a robot and there was a switch. I could turn on my fake 'happy' self to the world, whenever it suited the environment. Deep down, I felt miserable. Why? What had changed? What triggered this feeling? Why was I suddenly extremely anxious in classes? I didn't understand. Instead, I kept pushing myself. Working through the nights, getting super ahead on all of the readings and doing extra work. This is the life I signed up for. I can't have doubts now. Everyone knows that I'll be lawyer. Giving up is most definitely not an option.
(Extremely rare footage of me during the time mentioned above)
One day I was sitting on a bench in a park and I started to really consider the situation I was in. All I had ever known was this path that I was going to take. Why would I have second thoughts about it? After an hour or so sat thinking on this bench (and a shit load of people watching) I realised that the false dream I had imagined for myself... was no longer what I wanted.
What happens when everything you want suddenly becomes nothing you want?
People go through life changes all the time. Take one of my favourite books, for example, 'Eat, Pray, Love'. Elizabeth Gilbert goes through a mid-life crisis right at the beginning of the book. She realises that she no longer wants to be the perfect wife, who lives with her perfect husband in their perfect home. She wants to get out of this idealistic life that the world envisions for her. But how? Sure, my situation wasn't exactly as dramatic as that. But if I didn't change it now, I saw myself having the same existential crisis later on in life.
(Image from Google)
My Dad had kindly agreed to pay for my tuition fees. I know I am extremely privileged to even say that. And I don't want anyone reading this to think that I took / will ever take that for granted. Like most immigrant families, my parents worked EXTREMELY hard for everything in their / our lives. That was also another reason as to why I thought about pursuing a career in law in the first place. Typical south asian societal expectation of children either becoming doctors, lawyers or engineers. Anything else would be a disappointment. Except, growing up, my parents never really told us that. Sure, I knew that they would be ecstatic if I decided to become a lawyer one day, but they never said it was the ONLY option. For that, I will forever be grateful. It doesn't mean that I still didn't feel the silent pressure. Our parents, come from a generation where caring about other peoples' opinions matter. This is where the generational disconnect lies. Take me, for example, I couldn't give 2 shits about what other people think about me. What bothers me is when people I care about come into the equation. E.g. when the dirty fingers of annoying aunties start pointing at my parents.
"Look at their daughter. She is such a wild child. Her parents obviously didn't spend much time teaching her how to be a respectful girl. I don't want my son to end up with a girl like her!"
First of all, your dusty ass son spends his weekends blackout drunk in a ditch somewhere and second of all... that pisses me off.
Leave my parents out of it. They have done everything to the best of their ability. Sometimes children have different habits, personalities and future plans to their parents... and that's okay (as long as it's legal of course).
So, what happened? I dropped out. A lot of shit was going on in my personal life at the same time (not to excuse anything, just an additional factor). I went to the GP and decided that I needed to change a few things. I finally asked for the help that I was refusing to give myself. The confusion, sadness and stress from the past year had made me even more anxious than I already was. Things were looking pretty bleak and I felt truly hopeless and sad. I lost my sense of direction and purpose in the midst of everything.
I took a bit of a break and started working instead. Then I came off social media and gave myself a strict schedule. I went to bed at 9.30pm most nights and I slowly started to heal. In moments of confusion like that, it's important to take the time to heal. The feeling was like going through a break-up (I actually was also going through a break-up at the same time). But the schedule helped. It kept me refreshed, energised and away from distractions. I gave myself the chance to gain some experience in a legal environment (which I was lacking). I thought that maybe if I gained some experience, then I'd know for sure if I wanted to stay or leave the legal scene. It at least eliminated the "what if" factor. Ultimately, I know that there are better things waiting for me, beyond all this anxiety and fear.
Taking a break is definitely not part of the immigrant dream. But sometimes, you need to stick a middle finger up to societal expectations and figure things out; without the silent lurking of pressure following you everywhere you go. Do what's best for you. I know that's not what we, (south asian kids), are told. But we cannot live our lives for the approval of other people. Others will always have their opinions but that's just how they choose to live their lives. I'm glad that I'm finally seeing it for what it is now. And if anything, I feel hope for the first time in ages, knowing that I truly have the power to create my own destiny. I only have myself to make happy. With that realisation, I've finally found the courage to let go of other people's judgements and expectations. I choose not to let it define me.
I'll see where it takes me... but at least I know that I don't have to carry this substantial guilt around anymore. I know that if I continue living for other people, I'll never know my own amazing, life-changing potential. Sure, I make some *really* questionable decisions sometimes but isn't that part of my personal journey?
How else will I learn about what I don't want in life, if I don't make mistakes now?
If I'm going to create a life that I truly love... then I have to start now. And if you disagree with how I live my life, that's not my business or responsibility anymore. I'm here for a long time and I will create a genuinely happy life that I love and deserve.
Thus, in conclusion... societal pressures can kiss my south asian ass goodbye.
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