the lighthouse.

Have you ever met someone who is gentle like a calm, ocean breeze? Someone who truly understands the depths in which you hide, when you're so hurt you can’t breathe? Someone who kisses the scars of your tethered soul and slowly waits while you heal? Have you ever met someone who touches your heart so quietly, that you forgot what it was like to hear your heart break in the first place? If you have… were you ever able to keep them in your life?

To love them so loudly that they never have to question what love feels like.

I met someone exactly like a calm, ocean breeze. Someone who I felt a magnetic pull to and an intense connection with... which I can’t translate into words. Someone who knows most of the scars and marks on my body, but held me like I was brand new.

I remember seeing him for the first time. Fuck, what a face. He has a face that looks like it was carved by the Gods. I tried not to speak much in-front of him because I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing. Wine saved me that night and every other time I had the chance to speak to him. From what I could overhear, he was exceptionally intelligent. Why was I surprised? You could tell. If he talks to you, talk about something interesting... Don't be your usual dorky self. I can’t remember the exact conversation that we had, but I remember it left me wanting more… Fast forward to a few months later and between being tangled up in the sheets and unintentionally getting attached to you… I was hooked. The moment it hit how deeply I felt for this person, was at 3am in the middle of Trafalgar square. There was no-one around, except us. I remember thinking, if only... I could keep that memory in a bottle. It would be a memory that I would always revisit; whenever I lost faith in love. I just couldn’t contain how much I appreciated this person’s presence in my life. But if, for whatever reason, we were not able to stay in each other’s lives, just knowing that someone like him existed in the world, filled my cold heart up with long-lasting hope.

Back then, bad timing was the reason the ship sank. I never hated bad timing more in my life, then I did in that very moment. I specifically remember how I cursed the Universe and wondered why I didn’t stop earlier.

Glass half empty, back to the drawing board I went.

3 years later, I find you stranded at my shores again. Gently riding the waves of your new, independent life. The small talk starts, but with you I don't mind. My hopeful mind slowly intoxicated with the gentle, deep & haunting notes of your voice. You inhabit my mind once again. Only this time, I know I don't want anything serious, neither do you. I keep my guards up but you knock them down. Your tranquil energy easing my forever unsettled ways. I was once again reminded how different we are, but the connection still felt stable, serene… and unforgettably comfortable. I’ve surely never felt this way with anyone else. Before or after you. The evening continued as we had expected and I found myself tangled in your breath once more. The refreshing evening breeze cooling our tired selves, intertwined; reminding me of how it used to be. I found myself hoping that the morning wouldn’t come.

Oh no, I knew I was fucked.

You don't have to say anything. I know. Your independent, single life is ahead of you. All of the exciting opportunities waiting to be captured. You have so much to look forward to. I know that there are times in our lives, when we need to be alone. And no matter what you may (or may not) have felt for me, it will never be enough to sacrifice this time you need by yourself. Most importantly, I know what it is and I know what it isn’t. To you, I was a comforting convenience. But now, I’ve grown too much to ignore my feelings. I can’t push away the tsunami of emotion that is slowly but surely crashing down. After continuously seeing you, I started to feel everything once again. I think it’s an indicator that I never truly addressed your absence in my life, the first time that we parted ways. You don’t feel the same and I know that. I have already made my peace with it.

I just need to have the courage to let go.

I'm also not entirely certain what I want at this point in time. But I can’t hate myself any more for what I feel. I have to learn how to accept these feelings that come and go in the vast ocean of unrequited feelings. Accept, until I know it’s time to let it slip through my fingers. I know that I will never be the right person for you. For reasons I'll never learn, you will never be able to reciprocate the feelings that I always had for you. But just knowing that I had it in myself to feel that deeply for someone, is enough for me.

I am the ship riding through the rough, blue maze and you are the guiding light that I desperately seek; the lighthouse.

Have you ever met someone who is gentle like a calm, ocean breeze? If you have, I hope that they love you with a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous.

As for me, I’ll head back to the drawing board and move on. Life has taught me more times than I can remember, that I must always love myself. I cannot let a heartbreak demolish the home that I have so carefully created within myself. My home that I have neglected in the past. I cannot wait for anyone and I don't know if time will ever heal this void of not being with you; but I know I'll try my best to find what’s meant for me. No matter how long your name lingers on my lips. Heavy-hearted as I am, I return back to the ocean, and drift from coast to coast.

As I try to navigate my way through the blue once more, I hope you never forget, that for me... it was always you.