I breathe in the wet, warm air that surrounds me. All of a sudden, I am taken back to how his gentle breath felt on my fragile skin.
"What's gotten into me?"
I ask myself, bewildered by my reminiscent yet longing thoughts. This is so unlike me, I whisper to myself. Even whispers take me back. I sit longing for the touch, just once more.
"Fuck. I need to get out of my head."
I grab the dog, the leash, my shoes, and escape the house... and my mind.
The forest welcomes me with open arms, the sound of the leaves gently dancing in the wind. Shades of green blind my eyes. As I walk further, deep into the forest, the uncertain and untrusting path leads me to a strangely familiar place. As I crawl into the hidden path, I am left speechless by what's suddenly in front of me. A still, calm and tranquil lake basking in all its glory. I feel a sense of belonging. A distant welcome home. It's as if I've been here before but only in my dreams.
"Why does this place feel like home?"
My anxious energy is suddenly calmed by the momentary, soundless peace around me. I can't help but to close my eyes. When I do, I'm flooded by his haunting gaze. I open my eyes abruptly and crouch down by the water. The sea green kissing my eyes. A colour that I have only gazed into once. I cautiously sit by the water but it takes me straight back to that quiet attraction. The one I felt that Sunday in the east, when my dancing anxiety was met with his self-effacing spirit.
When I stare out into the vast pool of green, I feel slight shame. Shame, for feeling everything so deeply. Even brief encounters that last as long as a firework. I sit and let the heavy shame weigh down on my short lived peace.
"Why do I feel everything so deeply?"
It is then that I remember all of the past lovers. Scorned, hurt, deep, indifferent... brief. I remember how each and every one left me. I feel all of the scars buried deep onto the ridges of my evergreen heart. All of them have left me with a gift. A gift of healing, realisation, heartbreak and growth. As I rack my mind through the endless lessons... I hesitate.
"What has he left me?"
I let the ebbs and flows of the water reach my toes. It's slowly starting to get dark now but my mind is so distracted that I don't feel so present anymore. The wind lifting my hair and the whistle of the breeze filling my ears. I desperately reach for the swiftly fading memories of that night. Anguished by the unanswered question of what he left me. I remember those drowning eyes and that blasé smile. I know I called myself a walking contradiction yet there I was that Sunday afternoon, gazing into the eyes of another.
His soft demeanour easing my overthinking self. The melodies of his stories that stay etched into my mind. There we were that day, him an overachiever with a path of success laid ahead of him and I, a nervous, chaotic energy that was desperately trying to find her own way.
As I sat there reminiscing, two ducks land on the undisturbed water. Their soft landings creating endless ripples in the sea green. The ripples in harmony reach me like sound waves swaying through the air. There is so much I wish I could say, how it left me, how I felt and why I was so impacted by a fleeting bond. Instead I choose to sit in silence and peace, just like the unforgettable world that surrounded me. Surely in silence, I can't say the wrong thing?
Now, I understand he was water. The opposing force in my life, the quench of water on a breathless summer's day. The kind that you can keep in your hands for a moment before it slips through your fingers. Words were not spoken through the medium of his mouth but through the intensity of his beguiling gaze. That night, he spoke to me in a thousand silent ways. Through the tender touch of his expressive hands and his loose, drunken, addictive kisses. For the first time, in a long while, I spoke those words back. I allowed myself to get lost in his world, without any hesitation or holding back. Weird, beautiful and remarkable. I felt no need to look below me for a safety net. The free fall was breathtaking. I guess it's okay to feel things deeply after all. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the free fall of such miraculous moments.
That's when I finally realise...
I think I know what he left me. It was safety. He allowed me to be authentically and unabashedly myself. He made me feel okay to be comfortable in who I was. Not only that but for the first time in a very long time, I felt proud to be the person that I am. It made me see that there are people out there who will accept me as I am and I don't need to escape by pretending to be anybody else. I can be myself and I am always safe in who I am. Whilst I never got to say it to him, I thank him in my heart.
My dog gets up and suddenly becomes restless. It's almost night now and I am shocked at how bright the water still looks.
"almost as if it's glowing in the dark"
I take my leave and look around for the path that I came through. To my shock, it's barely recognisable. Twigs, leaves and stones conceal the once trodden path. I watch as my dog leads the way to find us a new path. I look back, still amazed by the euphoric air. I take one last deep breath and turn away.
I reach the entrance of my secret utopia and grab a chalk stone I see on the path. The entrance now looks concealed and hidden, undiscoverable for anyone else. There's a tree right next to it and I write something down that only I will understand. A way back to my nirvana. My dog barks at me whilst I finish my secret marking on the tree. I drop the chalk stone and walk off. Glancing back to make sure I remembered where the marking was. I see it... Halcyon I whisper.
I leave the forest and with trust in the gentle breeze of that summer night and the waning crescent in the sky watching over me; I make my way home.
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